On Being Thin/On Being Fat

I have been overweight my entire life; I’ve never not known a time when I wasn’t. I don’t know what it’s like to be thin. I came across this wonderful blog entry from a few years ago and it really spoke to me. One thing I’ve always felt held me back from losing weight is the ‘what if’ factor. What if I lost the weight, does that mean everything magically will turn into a world of rainbows and unicorns? Because I already knew the answer to that (no), I always failed at dieting. Most times I became even more self-critical which only causes my already low self-esteem to fall further. Dieting, for me, does not work.
 

In fact, I should never, ever diet.

Say it ain’t so! A fat person giving up dieting? Do you want to be fat and die an early death?

Yes, I said it. I should never diet and no, I don’t like being fat and no, I don’t want to die an early death. So why give up dieting? Because it does my psyche more harm than good. Because I fail at them, my self-esteem falls farther and that only makes my depression worsen. I’m twice as hard on myself when ultimately the call to eat more than a dieting fat girl should eat wins. I suppose I liken it to an alcoholic trying to stay on the wagon while working as a bartender. It’s the only job the bartender knows but at the same time the temptation is too much and he or she takes a drink. But with trying to lose weight, it’s a little different. A human does not need alcohol to live; he or she does, however, need to consume calories to survive.

So eating while dieting is torture. At least it is to me. I can research various diets, subscribe to weight loss methodology like it’s going out of style, eat less than a hamster does but after a day or two (if I’m lucky) or a few hours (in reality), I give in to the cravings and start eating. The harder I try, the worse I am.

Dieting and Dana do not go together.

So what do I do? Well, I do what I know best – I eat. I’ve decided never to diet again. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be a single digit size but I don’t need to eat the way I have to punish myself for failing at dieting. I’m in charge of what goes in my mouth so I need to do a better job of buying better food. Perhaps if I stick with more natural and less processed food that will help. If I want something sweet, I should go for grapes instead of M&Ms. Eat sherbet instead of ice cream.

It’s really about choices. Subconsciously, I made a lot of bad culinary choices but after reading that blog entry, I have a different way thinking when it comes to my size. Instead of eating the bad, eat the good in moderation and see what happens. Do not replace the dead battery in my scale. Buy much less processed food and use my weekends to cook (and freeze) turkey chili, homemade pasta sauce, etc. 

Should I join a gym and work out like a madman? No, I should just walk around my apartment complex. It’s hilly so it would be a good (and free) workout. 

Do I expect to be perfect with this new way of thinking? Of course not but I shouldn’t soothe/punish myself with a pizza. I have to eat (and more than a measly 1000-1200 calories) but exactly what I eat can change. It may take a while but it’s not like I blew up like a balloon overnight. It’s taken me four decades to become this Rubenesque-ish so I have to be realistic that to become healthier, there are no overnight successes. 

Instead of taking it one day at a time, I need to take it one meal at a time and I need to stop hating myself for being overweight. Thin is not a synonym for happy. I know plenty of thin people who are even more miserable than I am. I can love myself but the choices of food I make needs to be better.

Unlike the author of the blog entry, I’m still holding out much hope for George Clooney.

Just kidding.

Me in Kindergarten