209

            Since July 31^st, I’ve lost 31 pounds. I can accept this weight loss but it’s too hard for me to be proud of it. I know it sounds silly but that’s truly how I feel.

            It’s hard for me to feel proud because I should have never allowed myself to be so fat. I take responsibility for all the weight after 209 pounds. That’s how much I weighed in 6^th grade and I know it’s bad to blame your parents for stuff but is it okay to do that in this case? Was I supposed to know how to eat right when I was 8, 9, or 10 years old? We were a fairly traditional family when it came to dinner. It was done around the kitchen table, you ate what you were given, and you had to clean your plate. It was never a choice. You obeyed or else.

            But I figure that from 7^th grade on, I would take responsibility for any weight gained. My goal is to get down to 209 which I know is still fat but from where my highest has been (higher than where I started on this weight loss), it is better. Plus, when really fat people lose a lot of weight, the skin doesn’t stretch back. I have a fear that if I go lower than that, I’ll just look deflated. But I have a ways to go until I hit that so I shouldn’t really even think about flabby skin and such. So anyway, I allowed myself to balloon after 209. I take responsibility for that and that’s what I want to lose.

            I also can’t be proud because I know I gained the weight because I’ve let a variety of issues effect me. I’m weak; I can’t handle my issues very well. I don’t have people (and have never had people) I can turn to when I need comfort or help but food always makes me feel better. It’s such a cliché but all clichés have truth to them. If I was in a more sharing mood, I would list all the different issues that have caused me to be this weak but I’m not in a sharing mood today nor do I really want to remind myself of those painful events. I remember them every day and some days that’s too much on me.

            There’s also just so much weight to go and that’s another reason I can’t feel proud. Maybe when I hit my goal I can have some pride but not until then and maybe even not at that point either for all the same reasons I’m addressing here.

            And how I’ve lost the weight has not been picture perfect at all. The weight loss in September was due to eating right but in August it was first that I wasn’t doing well after my neck surgery and didn’t have an appetite and then it was about being too stressed to eat properly. October has been an extremely stressful month also and sometimes I just don’t want to eat. I do make sure to eat breakfast, usually oatmeal (which makes me gag anymore) and then I don’t eat again until dinner. My choices are all over the board on that meal from healthy to fast food to whatever I can find in the house because it’s the last week before payday. I know what you’re saying – 3 meals and 2 snacks – but that’s just not happening right now.

            Losing weight is such a complex issue and I’m a walking epitome of that. It’s too hard for me to be proud of what I’ve done. I sometimes think that that belief is also rooted in the same murkiness as how it’s hard for me to take a compliment. It’s a little easier for me to do online but when I’m complimented in a crowd or even just face to face with someone, I’m so uncomfortable and don’t know what to do with myself. It doesn’t happen often so that probably doesn’t help. It’s just so complicated how we have become individuals.