Words

I haven’t blogged much this week. I’ve been down and haven’t felt like sharing much, mainly because I was burned by someone who I thought I could trust. She said she cared, that I could trust her, but I’m a silly little girl. When someone tells me something, I have always believed them but in the end, I was been hurt.(She is someone in real life and not a Twitter peep if you were wondering.)

One of the worst experiences with this was when I was in the hospital with cancer. My stay was long (five weeks my first stretch) and I had very few visitors. It happens, right? Not everyone gets visited in the hospital, right? Anyway, an acquaintance of mine had emailed me (I had a laptop in the hospital, thank goodness) and wanted to come visit me with her daughter (who I had been tutoring prior to my cancer diagnosis). Several emails went back and forth and a date was decided. If she and her daughter couldn’t come that night, they would definitely come the next night.

I was stupid and allowed myself to get excited for the visit. I showered even though my blood counts were so low that showing was a major undertaking and I tried to do something with my hair. It wasn’t the easiest to do as I had already received four rounds of daunorubicin earlier in my stay and my hair was quickly dying (dead hair is the weirdest feeling). I’d lost a lot already but I wasn’t to the awkward, patchy bald point yet (I would have my head shaved a few days later). I can remember waiting for my visitors to arrive and pulling out strands of hair out of nerves. I had the wastebasket next to my bed and could drop the hair in there. The time they said they would come came and went and I just assumed they would be there the next night because she had been so adamant about it. They didn’t show up then either and I haven’t heard from them since.

The same thing happened when I had my neck surgery a couple months ago. Someone I worked with said she’d come by for a visit. I spent two days cleaning my apartment from top to bottom prior to the surgery because I knew I couldn’t do any cleaning after my surgery. I don’t often get visitors (like never) but I wanted to make sure the apartment looked nice. I actually wanted to make my grandma proud by having a super presentable apartment and felt bad that I didn’t have any cookies in the freezer to serve my visitor; Grandma always had cookies to serve. Anyway, it didn’t matter that I had no cookies as my manic cleaning was all done in vain. That person never showed up to visit or even shoot me a text to see how my surgery went.

Despite those two instances (plus many, many more over the years), I still believe people when they tell me things. You can trust me, now tell me what’s wrong; if you ever need help, count on me and I’ll be there… No, I can’t trust you because you aren’t actually listening to me. I can’t count on you because when I needed your help, you said no. I could go on and on but I think you get the point. Maybe it’s time though that I get the point and stop trusting people but you see, that little girl in me is still hoping someone really cares about her.

Isn’t that what we all just really want? We may not admit it (I think too many people are afraid to open themselves up) but deep down, don’t you just want someone to actually show you that they care? Yes, words are important but people need to back those words up with actions. Too many people use empty words; they say what is expected but there is no follow through. If you insist that I can trust you, actually listen to what I’m saying or if you’ve actually listened, don’t blab my business to your friends. If I’ve shared I’m down how ‘bout you check in on me a couple days later. Believe it or not, that all happened with the same person this week. Maybe I’m expecting too much.

As I’ve said many times, people just confuse the hell out of me. Actually see a person as a person; don’t just go through the motions. Don’t ask how are you (not that that happens often) out of habit because if you ask me, I will actually answer and not in a generic way. I actually believe you want to know how I am and then it gets awkward when I answer truthfully if things aren’t going great.

Anyway, just more bitching by me and I've been told that people don’t want to read about that. I guess I could blog about unicorns and butterflies, puppies and kitties. And rainbows. Can’t forget the rainbows. 

I do have one request and I know it’s a lot to ask and if you don’t have time, that’s fine. I’m obligated to have an author’s website and just finished mine up. I know it’s a bit ghetto-ish since it’s a freebie one now but hopefully by the end of the month I can scrape the money up for my own domain and convert the freebie to a paid one so I look a little bit more legit. The address is http://katemansfield.weebly.com/ and I would appreciate it if you could stop by and leave me some feedback about what you see. Thank you in advance. 

Oh, and food wise, it depends on the day. I have realized I can't focus so much about analyzing my day eats. As I blogged before, I was driving myself crazy. I need to not see it as a so-many-day challenge now. Now, it becomes more of a way of life/changing habits. If I'm in a sharing mood, I'll update my weight loss progress on occasion but although I've had a lot of support from people from my endless blogs about weight and food, all it took was one unsupportive message saying enough was enough.

It really has been a crappy week. :(