Erratic Kudzu

I often think of myself as nothing, a nobody. I've verbally said that; I've written it out. It's how I truly feel inside. Continuous events and experiences starting from when I was a wee one to even this week has allowed that feeling to root itself deep inside and grow like kudzu. I'm working on fighting the kudzu back but it feels like a losing effort most days just like the fight against the invasive weed.

Only one person - both in real life and online - has gently admonished me for referring to myself as nothing, a nobody. That says a lot and just fuels the feeling. It just makes me believe it's true. I'm not saying I need to be the center of everyone's universe; it would just be nice to be noticed if I'm silent for a while. But, as I've been told, people are busy. I get it. I do. People's lives are set and who would want to take on someone like me. I have issues and they probably make people uncomfortable. I get it. It's easier to deal with normal than abnormal. Don't get me wrong. I have been lucky to meet some great Tweeps and appreciate their friendships.

The gray days have me sucked in tight right now. It's affecting my writing. As you can probably tell, this blog post is scattered and erratic. My writing keeps me going and when I can't get lost in my writing, all I do is think about how my life is so disappointing. As I've said before, I could blame the incident that started it all but at some point, you just can't keep blaming what's happened in the past. I definitely have the right to but I want to move forward but it's hard when I feel like I live in a vacuum.

No one checks up on me when they don't hear from me, not even what little family I have. Between January 4th and July 4th, I saw my brother, who lives 5 minutes away from me, only once and when I asked for some help with my car during that period of time, he would not help me. I often hear "I'm sorry" if I mention I'm down but no one asks why I'm down. I'm good enough for a 'sorry' but not for a 'why.'

But people have their own busy lives. I get it. I do. I'm honestly not sure why I'm writing this. I've used my blog as a form of therapy and even though I'm back in therapy, I just don't know if that's helping. It's frustrating. It really is. My therapist always wants to reframe the negative into a positive but honestly, there are some negative things in my life that just can't be spun into a positive. I feel like she doesn't want to acknowledge that I've been through some shit. This also fuels my feeling that I'm a nobody.

What else makes me feel like I'm nobody, a nothing? Not hearing thanks, unanswered texts/emails, no acknowledgement of heartfelt words, when people don't read my blog/words or people who say they do and don't. People are busy. I get it. They have their own lives. Maybe I expect too much. I don't know.

I just want the gray to lift a little some can do more writing.



Sent from my iPad