Opening Up

I’ve been talking a lot with my therapist about validation. She first brought up the topic in regards to my writing. The lack of anything going on with my first published novel has really deepened my depression. As I’ve written before, the dream of having my first novel published has turned into something short of a nightmare.

I do not disagree with her about having my writing validated (having my first novel published is not full validation for me). I took the discussion a step further, however. Not only do I need validation as an author, I need validation as a person also. I get so little validation as a person; what I do receive I eat up like there’s no tomorrow and it lifts my spirits for a little while. But often, however, it actually makes me feel worse. Validation takes me by surprise and I realize how little validation I receive.

Validation is necessary for a person to be just that – a person. The feelings a person experiences numb inch by inch as people – friends and family – orbit around you but do not reach out, acknowledge, or even see you. You are there but the depression and other issues act almost like an invisibility cloak. It’s no one’s fault. The depressed person doesn’t want to speak up for fear of making people uncomfortable and the people around the person aren’t sure exactly what to do to help the person. I know this for a fact because that is what happens with me. It’s the way it is for me right now. The invisibility and lack of validation makes you forget what it feels like to be a person. You are human but you don’t feel human. It’s a terrible feeling. Trust me.

With the feeling comes the voice that is very hard to ignore. It’s loud. Very loud. So loud that there’s no choice but to believe it. They don’t care about you so why should you care about yourself? You’re not worth it…

Yesterday, I told my therapist that I have a huge feeling of not caring when it comes to myself but she said that’s not the case. She said I actually do care but what is happening to me is that what I perceive as not caring is actually self-destruction.

Self-destruction.

I did not expect to hear this from her. My depression is causing my self-destruction. It’s scary to hear as I can’t see that at all. That’s the nature of depression, however, and a reason why it’s so hard to treat. I think the numbness that my lack of validation has caused has blinded me to how far I’ve fallen. I mean, I know my depression has become worse but I never thought what I thought was my lack of caring about myself and other things was self-destruction. As I type that, I can now understand but it doesn’t make things any better.

I’m in a hole, a deep one, and climbing out of that hole just seems so difficult. I admitted to my therapist that for right now, I can’t see myself getting better (again, that’s the depression) and she said that as bad as my depression is, it will take a while. Years was mentioned and that is disheartening. I hate the way my depression makes me feel and to know my recovery may take years doesn’t help much. That’s why validation is so important for me. When I receive validation, it boosts me but as I’ve already said, I don’t get much validation. But, and here’s the hard part, you can’t just go around demanding people validate you. It has to be an honest experience which is another reason why it’s so difficult to climb out of that hole.

So many people don’t understand depression and other mental illnesses. It’s not about just being sad and you can’t just snap out of true depression. I’m open with my issues on this blog because I want people to understand people like me. Although I’m sick, I do my best to progress through the days. Some days it’s difficult and I don’t want to leave my bed or, as of lately, my couch. I’ve started having panic attacks where I feel fear and sleeping on the couch that has a back instead of my double bed makes me feel safer when I sleep. It’s a coping mechanism and that’s what I must do right now – cope. Coping is like a Band-Aid until I can naturally start to feel better and the self-destruction slows and eventually (hopefully eventually) goes away.

Many days, such as yesterday, you can actually see my depression. My therapist noticed and gave me a small boost of validation by noting how down I looked. She’s the first person who has done that in person. I love my two coworkers but I can practically be near tears and neither of them say anything but as I’ve mentioned earlier in this blog entry, it’s not their fault. Dealing with someone who’s depressed is very hard.

Anyway, the validation that my therapist gave me yesterday helped me open up in therapy more than I have. If I hadn’t honestly opened up to how bad I’ve been feeling and admitting that I didn’t care (or what I thought was not caring), she wouldn’t have realized that I’m self-destructing. This is good; we know now. But, now’s the hard part. How do we stop my self-destruction?

Dana