Thanksgiving Blues

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It used to be my favorite holiday but five years ago, it was ruined. My mom, beginning to show signs of illness, had wanted to have Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving for me and my brother and his family. She asked them and they actually declined. It ruined the holiday for both me and my mom. I wonder if my brother knew it would be the last chance to have Thanksgiving with mom if he would have changed his mind.

Since then, Thanksgiving has been bittersweet because of Mom’s passing and Chris’s refusal to come over for that Thanksgiving. He has hosted Thanksgiving at his house for his family and his sister-in-law’s family since Mom’s passing and they’ve included me. Makes sense since Chris is my brother.

This year has not been a good one between me and my brother. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve seen Chris twice – once for dinner when I broke my foot and then in passing as I exited Walmart and they enter. We live five minutes apart but slowly, I’ve been exiled from my only family. I do not know why but I am no longer invited to family birthdays and when it came to my birthday a few weeks ago, I received only a text Happy Birthday. I didn’t even get my usual birthday dinner.

So I was worried about Thanksgiving since things have not been good between us. Well, I needn’t have worried. There was no invite from them for Thanksgiving. I even drove past their house and there were cars in front of it. No invite. Not even a Happy Thanksgiving text.

If I knew that there was some ‘thing’ that caused this behavior, I would understand but nothing has happened. There was no big blow out; I’ve not done something to cause this alienation. On my end, I know there’s nothing I know I need to apologize for but in their eyes, specifically my sister-in-law’s eyes, I probably have done something wrong. I’ll never know what it is, however. Joan holds grudges but doesn’t let people know what they did. Apparently my mom and I did something when my nephew was born that she didn’t like but she never told us what. Is that why I’ve been alienated? I don’t know.

            What I do know is that not receiving a Thanksgiving invite or even a sentiment has really bothered me. It hasn’t helped my depression which was on its way down anyway as the high from my Daughtry concert crashed.

            Maybe it’s just me. Maybe my issues and I are just too much for my family. I worry that will happen with my few friends. I already feel alone but what will it be like when I’m totally alone and have no one?

Dana