The Over Apologizer

I have a fault – one of many – that I know irritates people but it’s something I can’t help. I’m an over apologizer. I apologize for things I didn’t do (but perceive that I did). I’m sorry were probably some of my first words I learned as a toddler. I was always apologizing to my parents even when I didn’t do anything. It might be a manifestation of my OCD (which I’ve had for a very long time) but I feel the great need to apologize all the time. Maybe it’s my adopted Jewish guilt but apologize I do nearly every day for something whether I did it or not.

As I’ve stated, I apologize even when I’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes I just feel like I’ve done something wrong and that’s why people don’t talk to me or ignore me. This latest thought is that – please don’t laugh too hard – Chris Daughtry is mad at me. Or at least irritated with me. I know; I know. It’s crazy to think that but it just feels like that’s the case.

Part of my reasoning is the fact that I was spoiled with my first three Daughtry shows. Chris came out afterwards and chatted with fans and took pictures. Then, finally, Daughtry was coming to my hometown. I had a great seat – the end of the first row – and by the time the band took the stage, I’d been through VIP and earlier had given him the gifts I wanted to give him. I don’t think he liked my gifts, however. I noticed through the band’s performance that Chris stayed center stage or on the opposite side of the stage from where I was. He’d come to my side a few times but to me, it seemed he stayed more on the other side.

After Daughtry was finished, my Daughtry friend and I began the wait. I was excited that Chris and the others were finally in my hometown and I was looking forward to maybe getting a new picture with Chris since my last one was taken in a blizzard. I was (and am) fully aware that it is a treat if Chris and the guys come out; that it doesn’t always happen. It’s never a given. After waiting two and half hours, everyone in the band had come out to talk to us except for Chris. I was bummed. I’m sure he had a very good reason for not coming down – not feeling well, etc. – but for me, it was a bit of a letdown. I wanted my hometown show to be perfect and I let myself get my hopes up too high. I did run into Chris earlier while he was waiting for his dinner and I gave him his bag of giftees but I didn’t want to bother him any more by chitchatting or asking for a picture. VIP came and that went by so fast so I was looking forward to hopefully having that time after the show.

Anyway, my friend and I gave up after two and a half hours and my worry began immediately. Had I made Chris mad somehow with my giftees? The bag I gave him was heavy, which he noted. I wanted to show, to quantify, how much Chris and his music has helped my dream of becoming a published author. To do this, I gave him signed copies of all my books (a total of 5). I also had written a series of short stories based on Daughtry’s Baptized album. So between the books and the binder, there was heft to the bag. Of course, there were other things also including some goofy Batman toys and a specially-made t-shirt I had made. I’m worried that I overdid the gift giving and now have second thoughts about the choices I made. I just wanted to thank him for how much he’s helped me. Without him, I wouldn’t have been around to write five books and several short stories. He helped me, although inadvertently, achieve my dream.

So, I ended up giving him a heavy bag and I worried that what I gave him irritated him and that’s why he stuck to the other side of the stage more and then didn’t come out after the show even when it was just down to two of us waiting. It was the second to last show on that leg of the tour and maybe he was just too tired.

A couple weeks ago, I traveled 5 hours to the Twin Cities to see Daughtry at the Mystic Lake Casino. This was the last show of that short, 2-week leg and again, I got my hopes up that he would come out afterwards but he didn’t. Again, I was bummed and my thinking was that he saw me in the audience (I had 3^rd row seats and being obese it’s not that difficult to find me). Again, I kind of thought he spent more time on the opposite side of the stage than me but I could be wrong.

People may think me silly for thinking that Chris made the conscious decision to not come out because I was there or to stick to one side of the stage more than another. It could just be my imagination but again, I always worry that I’ve done something wrong to make people mad. I guess I’m paranoid.

For me, the time after the concert with the band members is the best part of a concert. The concerts are great –don’t get me wrong – but when artist’s offer up their precious time to visit with fans, well, that is something really special. Those few minutes can lift my spirits more than a concert can and with my mood being so low these last few months, I was hoping for that lift. It’s my fault, however. I should have never have got my hopes up but I was stupid and thought that since my first three concerts included Chris time after the show, it would happen again.

So, like the good over apologizer I am, I’d like to apologize to Chris if there is something I’ve done to irritate you or make you mad. It wasn’t intentional; I do sometimes try too hard.

Dana