Dreams

Yesterday, Chris Daughtry announced his involvement (acting & music) in an upcoming pilot for FOX called Studio City. I believe this is a dream opportunity for Chris and I'm so proud of him. I hope the pilot is picked up and I look forward to watching it.

We all have dreams in life and when one of them comes true, it is a special moment. I have been lucky to have one of my dreams come true when I became a published author. My dream doesn't stop there; I hope to one day to be able to write full time in addition to having a novel on the New York Times book list. I would also like to see my novels adapted for the screen. That may be a pie crust dream but it is a dream of mine nonetheless.

There are other dreams people have that are less, shall we say, materialistic. In therapy on Tuesday, I realized my heart and soul had a dream. Some may find this silly or overly romantic but I have a dream of one day having a special man in my life. Laugh all you want but it's true.

You see, I have no one in my life I can turn to during times of extreme emotional stress. I have no relationship with my family, no close friends who could drop what they're doing to help me. My therapist actually called me an orphan. She's right; I have no one. I am alone. I want to have that close relationship with a man so I don't grow old alone.

I yearn to have that man who could hold my hand and tell me everything will be alright when I am feeling the weight of the world pushing down on me. I want - need - to have that person to help me feel safe.

Last night I was not in a good place; I did not feel safe. It was scary with my thoughts obsessing about terrible things. I haven't had an episode like that in nearly four years. The last time I did, I failed at killing myself. In instances like that, I realize it doesn't matter if the person is a man or a woman as long as they can talk to me and calm me down. A smaller dream would be to have a close friend to contact in times of need.

But like I said, I am alone and I don't want to grow old by myself. To have a man who loves me, cares for me, is a dream of mine. For those that know me, I know what you're probably thinking - I'm fat and ugly and no man would want that combination. I know that; I understand. It's the reason why I've never been in a relationship. It's the reason why I've never been kissed. I've never felt special.

So laugh as you might at my dream but it is my dream. No one's dreams should be laughed at; they are too important to be judged by others.

Today I'm in a slightly better place but very down. It's a place I spend too much time in but here I am.

Dana