Such A Struggle Lately

My depression has been very bad the last few weeks, just as bad as when my suicide attempt failed. It has been such a mood breaker that my depression has dipped to this low again. My therapist asked if I should be hospitalized but although I kind of agreed with her, I just don’t have the time to spare from my job, especially since I’m having my gallbladder out next Wednesday (10/14) and will need a few sick days for that.

She also asked me if I was a threat to myself and I was honest in my answer. I told her that I would only try suicide again if there was a 100% chance of being successful. Some suicide survivors may have felt relief that their try was unsuccessful but I am not one of those survivors. I have been angry many a time that I failed at killing myself. So unless I know I’m going to be successful, there won’t be another try and I don’t have the confidence in myself that I would be successful so no one needs to go off the deep end and call 911 on me. My therapist is aware of where I’m at with my depression and I have an appointment today for a change in medication.

Anyway, things have been rather grim for me lately. My impending surgery is not helping and it has actually magnified what is causing my fall deeper into depression. You see, I don’t have anyone really in my life. I have a brother but there is no relationship there. The last time I saw him was in May (and that was after several months) and I said we can’t go so long without seeing each other. He did not get the message. When I asked him for a ride to the hospital, he has never acknowledged me. I have no other close friends who can take me so I’m faced with having to take a taxi just to get to the hospital. I won’t even have anyone sitting at the hospital waiting to see how I do in surgery and to me, that is just the loneliest and saddest thing ever. The gallbladder surgery is just emphasizing how alone I am in my life. This just causes me to tear up and then completely melt down.

I’m an introvert which makes it so hard for me to go and be active in my synagogue, the best place I feel I could go to make acquaintances. The idea sends me into a panic and I have to quickly change my thinking. Or take a clonazepam. It’s just not easy to make new friends because people are already busy enough with their own lives and I couldn’t imagine inserting myself into their already established lives. I even feel this way with my online friends and have been terribly quiet on Twitter during the month of September. I don’t want to bring people down with my tale of the horrible depression. Plus, it doesn’t help when I don’t even get a response even when I prepare myself for that. I don’t want to be one of those people who gets pissy when not enough people comment on them being sick or something great happening in their lives. I don’t want to be shallow and think people would only respond to me being ill if I was a celebrity. I know that the world – real or online – does not revolve around me like some people believe. So I have remained quiet.

But I’m living through each of these gray days and I do have two things that help me through each day – my cats and Daughtry. I’m not ashamed to admit each one. Seeing my two cats wait for me by the door of my apartment makes me feel good inside even though I know they’re just waiting to be fed (although Joey has honestly been pining for me since I left the apartment since he’s such a mama’s boy). Both of the cats have picked up on my dip in my depression and have been extra cuddly to me. On one hand this is nice when they snuggle up to me but on the other, it just shows how low I am.  

The other thing that helps me is Daughtry, both the music and the online presence of Mr. and Mrs. I’ve been listening to “Undefeated” a lot lately as I’m trying not to let my depression defeat me. And even just a simple general tweet from Chris or Deanna sharing something in their lives can lift me for a little while. Some people poo-poo social media but it’s something that’s here to stay and I do think it has a chance for positivity. Yes, there are downfalls to it and people have unrealistic beliefs as to how much celebrities should interact with their fans. But for the most part, I think social media is a good thing. It – Twitter – is what really brought me to Daughtry and I can’t imagine my life without the music, the concerts, and the social media aspects of those involved. It does help me try to right my sinking ship.

So that’s an update on my life. I’m not in a good place but I’m still upright.

Dana