I had a difficult time going to sleep last night. This happens lately; I can never tell if I’m just not tired or if I just don’t want to go to sleep. I struggled for a couple hours, passing the time watching Daughtry videos on my iPod and just thinking. Sometimes it’s hard to slow my brain down when it needs to; it keeps going and going and I wonder if this is the cause of these sleep issues.
Eventually I fell asleep but having experienced this before, I knew the next day – today – was going to be rough. I woke up way before the alarm went off and then didn’t want to get out of bed. I finally did but even a very large cup of coffee didn’t seem to get me going. I had no ambition; I didn’t want to do anything but just “chill” and even that seemed like a huge undertaking.
This…phenomenon only began the last couple of months and as I was thinking last night and again this morning, I wonder if it’s a delayed leukemia reaction. When I was diagnosed I didn’t have the luxury of just tuning out the outside world and thinking of only me, of taking a ME day. I’m a teacher so I worried about my students. I was also a care taker to my mother – buying groceries, fixing dinner, trying to keep the house up. She was recovering from a spill when I was diagnosed and even though I was stuck in a hospital room for an eventual two months, I still had to worry about her needs being met. I couldn’t physically help her because I was in the hospital but I certainly put in a great deal of mental worry.
There were no days in the hospital where I “chilled;” the worry about my mom and my job kept me from doing that (oddly, I rarely worried about the leukemia then because of my other concerns unlike now when it’s a near constant thought). Even when I finally got to go home there were chemo treatments to take and a school year to plan for (I had missed half a year and I was going back come hell, high water, or leukemia!). I had a house to try and put back in order for my mom. Cancer, chemo, and the constant worry were my new full-time job instead of teaching reading. There were no snow days or personal days or even a summer vacation (which was spent receiving chemo at the Cancer Center). Then the new school year started, I moved on to maintenance chemo, tried my best at taking care of my mom and kept going and going and going.
Mom died the beginning of March and exactly one month later I had the house sold and moved into my first apartment and began phase two of my life. Although my mom’s health failure was not quick, my own transition from care taker to “on my own” seemed to have been done at warp speed. I actually hoped for that and am still amazed that it happened that way.
And then I began to have days like today; days I think were probably meant to happen during those first few months of leukemia but I never had the chance to have them. It’s the sort of day where staying in bed would be called for and where a dumpy feeling prevails. Despite RSVP-ing a stern NO, a pity party desperately wants to break out. Heavy doses of chocolate would be lovely. But then I realize that the litter box needs it’s daily clean out and my hair has been looking ragged lately and needs a trim and if I wanted chocolate, I was going to need to go to the grocery store (no chocolate was bought, though). I want the ME day but everyday life doesn’t seem to care about ME days and being alone, there’s only ME to take care of things. I couldn’t have these when I was diagnosed and I guess I can’t have them now even though the day presented itself clearly this morning just after 6AM.
One thing is for certain, though, I am glad that I still have days here on Earth, whether they’re ordinary days or maybe, one day, a ME day.
No comments:
Post a Comment