Forgiveness

When I wrote Sunset Park this summer, my main character needs to ask for forgiveness because he feels that that’s his only chance for long term sobriety. I really had to think about the idea of forgiveness and what types of forgiveness there are and the motivation behind the asking. Forgiveness is something that is hard to give, especially to ourselves. I know; I rarely forgive myself when I mess up. I expect too much of myself.

I wanted to write a post about how I did on my two goals I had for myself for this summer (write a short story and fix ME). I wrote a paragraph and a half and could feel myself falling into a deep pity pit. That is NOT what I need right now so I deleted it all. Although I hit my writing goal (actually exceeded it by not only writing a short story but also a novel), the fixing ME part was a complete FAILURE.

This failure has weighed heavily on me the last few days. I’ve shed a few tears (actually a lot of tears), wondered if I am even fixable, and finally landed back on the USS Same Shit/Different Day boat. It’s not a boat that sinks; it just goes round and round giving everyone on board a perpetual case of sea sickness (and the gift shop is out of Dramamine). It’s a pretty loaded boat so I have plenty of people to be miserable with, unfortunately (I’m not doing so hot with crowds lately). There are no conga lines, the food is all fattening and not pleasing or satisfying, and we’re all charged hefty and ridiculous fees that would cause the airlines to turn green with envy.

As I end the summer I’m right back where I started and I’m a bit horked off about it. I had set two goals in my mind where I wanted to end the summer and I missed them both by a mile. One was my fault but the other I’m only partially to blame. But to start over, I really need to forgive myself for not being successful at fixing ME this summer. Kicking myself over and over is just not helpful. For almost a week I couldn’t forgive myself but slowly, I have. I do want to change and to do so, I had to forgive myself.

Because this was my first summer I could devote to just me, where I wasn’t taking care of my mom or taking chemotherapy, I’m wondering if it just wasn’t the right time for this grand fixing up I had planned for ME. Maybe my fixing ME goal was just too ambitious. I wanted to fix about 38 years of crap in two months. Yes, in retrospect, perhaps the goal date was a bit too much. It’s easy to destroy a crystal vase in about two seconds by smashing it to the ground but putting it back together with a little super glue takes much, much longer.

So, I have forgiven myself and I’ve set a new goal date – October 2011. I turn 40 that month. Instead of two months, I’m giving myself 14 months. I want to set little achievable goals along the way because it helps me to have little wins on the journey to the big win. I also need to make sure that if I do hit bumps along the way over the next 14 months, I don’t dwell on the failure. I need to forgive myself and move on.

And in the end, I guess I did write a post about my summer goals. See how it all just kind of works out that way? :)