Of All The Things To Be Afraid Of

I can't sleep and when I can't sleep, I think. If I go to bed in a good mood, I think of good things but if I go to bed in one of my gray moods...

So tonight I went to bed and I can't sleep and I'm in one of my gray moods. I ate nothing but junk today so now I have all this guilt about it. I know how to lose weight - eat less and exercise more - but why can't I?

Because I'm afraid.

I know I need to lose weight for health reasons and self-esteem reasons but I just almost have a block against eating healthy. I've always been fat and know nothing else. I have come to realize that my fat is my wall and after more thought, it's that wall that protects the inner child within me.

Deep down, I am still a little girl wanting appropriate parental attention even though both my parents are dead. I did not receive the support and nurturing all children needed to grow up healthy. Instead, I received other. The little girl became scared and didn't know how to grow up.

Let me rephrase that - the little girl is still scared and doesn't know how to be her age. It is very scary.

My fat keeps those demons, my childhood experiences and memories, away most of the time but it's at a price. I have anxiety and OCD and depression. I'm borderline agoraphobic. If I could find financial independence, I would never leave my apartment. And for those Daughtry fans, I'm not even sure I can make it through the whole VIP/concert experience.

So my fat keeps me safe which is ironic. I'm afraid to lose weight not just because it's the only thing I've known, but because it keeps people away, people who may want to know about my secrets. My self-esteem may rise and those gray days may be few and far between. How could I handle that? I might be normal. I might no longer be judged.

But itS scary, even scarier to try this alone. My therapist can only get me so far but to actually opt for an apple instead of a slice of homemade bread slathered in butter?

I'd rather deal with spiders.