My Going Home

The third episode of ER’s first season is titled ‘Going Home.’ It is the episode where Nurse Carol Hathaway returns to her job as an ER nurse after a failed suicide attempt. She is anxious, apprehension shows in her eyes and her movements are hesitant. Only those who have tried to take their own lives could possible understand how she feels. I am one of those.

My own ‘Going Home’ will be on Tuesday. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been obsessing and worrying about seeing my students again after six weeks. They do not know why I have been gone; the company line is that I’ve had a really bad case of the flu. I’m more than happy with this fib; my students come from backgrounds where they don’t need to have the added worry of a teacher who attempted suicide.

I’m not worried about seeing my students (I’m looking forward to that) but I am worried about returning and working with my colleagues. Most of my fellow teachers do not know what happened either but those that do, how will they react? The one I’ve worked with the longest (this is our 5^th year together) I’ve only heard from once and I’ve been obsessing over that fact. Is she angry with me? It’s too easy to imagine what someone else is thinking and I really just need to stop. It’s not going to do me any good to try and guess why I have not heard from her. 

I believe part of the problem is that teachers, and also nurses, are not thought of as ‘regular’ people. We’re fixers and carers; we listen to our patient’s/student’s problems. We help them. Our personal lives are never thought of as normal so people believe we don’t have the same trials and tribulations as regular folk. How dare you try and ease your pain by attempting to end your lives? That thinking is so very wrong and I think it’s because we’re thought of differently that when a teacher or a nurse attempts suicide, it’s a shock. But in reality, we’re just like regular people however we often carry the burden of the helpless. 

Sleep on Monday night will probably be difficult and I already know I want to arrive earlier than normal in hopes of not running into anyone on my walk through the building. I’m not the same person as I was six weeks earlier. I’m still working on knowing this new me. I know I’m ready to go back but I’m slightly scared of what’s going to happen when I see my colleagues. I’m hoping it’ll be fine and more than likely it will. Anticipation is always torturous. Nurse Carol received a surprise party at the end of her shift. I don’t believe I’ll get a party; I’m just hoping for a friendly smile and not too many questions about where I’ve been. 

My 40^th birthday is Wednesday so there’s added stress from that. It’s not a secret that I’ve felt like the last 20 years of my life have been a waste. I’m tired of wasting my life so this transition back to school and into a new life decade is my opportunity to start living again. I’m nervous and scared and even though she’s a fictional character, I understand how Carol Hathaway feels. Going home is always difficult.

Dana

(I will only leave this post up a few days.)