I Am Fat

Earlier today ONLY FAT PEOPLE was trending on Twitter. It naturally drew some scathing remarks which was nice to see. Usually we, and I speak as an obese person, don't get stood up for often. Being obese is frowned upon by our society and when I first saw it trending, I wasn't surprised. It's cliche to point out the obese people in one way or the other. I hate to break it to those who point us out but we already know we're fat.

I've been fat my whole life; I don't know what being skinny is like. What I do know follows. I know what it's like to have a father tell his daughter that if she wanted a bathing suit he'd have to go to a tarp store and have one made. I know what it's like to have a mother who never encouraged her daughter to have a life outside of taking care of her mother. I know what it's like to have a bully that leaves notes inside of desks telling the bullied that she's too fat to wear jeans. The father speaks again and says his daughter better watch out because she might not fit through the doorway. The same daughter is tempted by unhealthy food by her mother even though she's trying to eat right. I know all this because I am that daughter and my school bully really did leave notes in my desk and my father really did says those things to me.

And then there will be that one woman, a skinny woman, who actually believes fat people don't know how to lose weight. Honey, we know. Trust me when I say most fat people know the keys are to eat less and exercise more. Losing weight, especially weight that is worn like an armor of protection, is not as simple as the skinny woman thinks.

We were told by our parents to clean our plate and we did because we were afraid of the consequences if we didn't. The obese girl eats too many cookies because they soothe her; she hears no soothing words from her parents. Ever. I know this because I am that obese girl and even through the cancer days there were no soothing words. There was just me, the obese girl. 'Cancer's what she gets since she's fat' people say. It's not true but the obese girl, me, starts wondering despite what the doctors have told her about genetic cancers.

I know my fat is why I'm alone. It's why I'm sad, why I cry. It's why I've never heard 'I love you.' 

It's why I tried to take my own life. 

I struggle; I try to make good choices but it's such a battle because there's no guarantee that I won't still be alone, won't be sad, won't still cry. I pray there are no more attempts.

Being obese is complicated. It is a daily worry. It is frowned upon. The frowners don't see the most important feature of the obese. They don't see our hearts and how they ache from what we carry. Fat is our burden and some burdens are impossible to free ourselves from.