Sad Acceptance

It’s been a rough few days. My mind has been working overtime trying to wrap itself around some heavy thoughts. A little over eighteen months ago I finally had the chance to live my own life. I did my best; tried to make the right decisions and when I recognized that something needed to be fixed, I took the correct paths and got help. I struggled but continued even though the work was hard. I waited for results and continued working even when the results did not come. I hit bottom and survived thinking that certainly things had to now improve. Sadly things haven’t improved. I believed that I could change my lot in life, could work to become happy, but as hard as I’ve worked nothing has changed. In the last week I’ve realized that this miserableness that I find myself slogging in is as good as my life’s going to get. And that has just been so hard to accept.

My heart hurts with the understanding that my hopes and dreams have begun to fade. Dissolution was set into motion while I was a child and even when the responsibility of charting my life became my own, I could not steer away from this path of grayness no matter how much I’ve tried. I’ve been through so much in my life that I stupidly believed that eventually I would use up all the pain and bad luck but it just keeps on coming. When does it stop? Why do I always need to be the target? Can I not have just one thing go my way without struggle and failure?

Against those closest to me, I truly believe that I deserve everything I’ve gone through. I must believe this, why else would this be happening to me? At some point I did something and for over thirty years I’ve been punished for it. I can’t imagine what I could have done as a four or five year old to warrant decades of punishment but whatever it was must have been awful. Good people have lives of happiness and logic would then dictate that I am not a good person.

I feel my heart starting to harden with bitterness. Even words from a dear friend don’t seem to help. This is my sad life now.

:(