The week of my concert arrived and my anxiety exploded. The five hour drive worried me (the weather, car problems), I was attending my first VIP and I was scared to death even though I have briefly met Chris and Brian before (although the guys most certainly don't judge I still am very self-conscious), and there would be a large crowd (this would be my 3rd concert but in the last year since my last concert, a lot of crowds and me don't get along). My anxieties have intensified over the last year.
I had such a large panic attack the Sunday before my trip that it made me sick and anxious and I had to get a sub to cover my classes on Monday. Each day I worried more and more about the weather and my car and people looking at me and crowds but I knew I had to make it to the Twin Cities for the concert.
I've blogged before about how Daughtry music and the guys keep me going through the gray days and this fall has been nothing but a long string of gray days. I needed this weekend to happen very badly. I needed the live music, I needed the pictures, I needed the handshakes and hugs. I needed to see my fellow Daughtry fans who are now friends. I needed that something to keep me moving up and to stop my gray day sink. Even having my first novel published only lifted me a little bit.
My five hour drive went well, I had lunch with a longtime friend, and then arrived at my Daughtry friend's house. (Tracy is graciously letting me stay with her and her wonderful family.) Saturday arrived, my nerves revved up and the closer we got to VIP and the actual concert, the more my anxiety rose. We were pretty packed into the entryway of the venue before sound check which bothered me but Tracy helped me through that.
As I stood in line for VIP I was actually wringing my hands and then it was time to go in. I remember shaking everyone's hand but I don't remember if I made eye contact and as I introduced myself, my name became HIMYNAMEISDANAANDI'MSCAREDTODEATH. Chris said there was nothing to be scared of (that they were just a group of handsome gentleman LOL) and after the picture was over, Steely wished me a good show and rubbed my back.
I survived VIP without being judged. One of my many flaws is my belief that people are judging me because my body type is not socially acceptable and sometimes I say stupid things or have a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth. I knew I wouldn't be judged by Chris and the others but the fear is still there. The concert was amazing and I was able to get on the rail right in front of Chris. Getting on the rail is important for me but not like most other people. For me, being on the rail means I don't have to actually see how many hundreds and hundreds of people are there because they are behind me. Although I did have to put in earplugs for the opening act, I was okay with the loudness of the concert for 3 Doors Down and, of course, for
Daughtry.
Tracy and I waited in the cold and snow by the busses to see who would come out. Chris, Brian and Elvio joined us for a few minutes. I really appreciated this. It's moments like that which make a special event even more special. They didn't have to come out in the cold or the snow and I clearly remember telling Chris thank you as we stood for a picture and I could feel him shivering. I always hope there's enough time for me to explain how much the music and Twitter presence means to me but I always clam up out of fear of taking too much of his time. Last night was so cold so there wasn't time for anything more than a quick picture but honestly, that was okay because it was so stinking' cold!
Of my three Daughtry concerts, this one was by far the best. The experience and quick moment in the snow has given me that little push upwards that I hope will last a few weeks. When you deal with depression and anxiety, you look for something, anything that will keep you going. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol but for me, it's Daughtry. The music and the interactions either keep me going in anticipation (if I have another concert to countdown towards) or give me something to look back on to remind me that for a little while, I was authentically happy.
Dana (The head lean in my picture below is a little creepy, I admit it, but I was just so cold! I am a fat girl who can get quite cold sometimes. LOL)
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