Year In Review

It is New Year's Eve. A day I hate almost as much as my birthday. As much as I try not to, I inevitably end up reviewing the year that is fast closing out. I hate doing this. Although I fiercely try to remember the good moments, the bad ones always crowd out the good. Why do I want to remember the bad?

My three good things that happened to me happened within the span of about six weeks (no spreading out the good for me). My first novel was published in mid-November, I had the best Daughtry weekend three weeks later, and just a few days ago I completed the conversion process and am now Jewish. Each event brought the rare happiness to me but it was a struggle and a failure to hold on to that happiness. I am thankful for these three things but disappointed in myself that I could not sustain the happiness they brought to me.

But the disappointing and bad things that happened this year always trump the good even when I try to keep them away. Although my spinal fusion took care of the pain I was experiencing, there were complications that required a second surgery and doubled the ever growing the pile of hospital bills. The whole experience was hard on my soul as people (in my real life) who should have helped me did not and other people (also IRL) initially came across as concerned but in the end, their words were empty. As usual (but I still stupidly think they'll change.)

I was stupid and believed they would help me or come by to visit me as they said. As much as I talk about my disappointments and gray days, I do struggle a lot with keeping my expectations in check. I try to keep them low but I want to believe that people will finally care about me and when that caring is needed, they are nowhere to be found. I really do believe that my colleagues won't talk behind my back, that family will check in on me, that someone will ask me that simple question - How are you? - and actually care about my answer.

I guess it's good that I still hope for the best but in the end, I am always disappointed.

I was reminded plenty this year that I don't know what I'm doing in my job despite my students's test scores saying otherwise. I was forgotten many times, I'm used to it, but being forgotten on my birthday really sucked. I still have people who doubt I can write despite being published. My 30+ weight loss went unnoticed by many and I was often reminded that our outsides are more important than our insides despite the cliches we've been taught otherwise. Rockin' bods are where it's at but not inner beauty. Physical perfection is all that matters. I talked and no one listened. As usual.

I still suck at life skills. I still suck at money managing. I still have issues opening my mail out of fear I'll receive that one piece of mail that will send me over the edge. I'm still alone. I'm still invisible. I still make poor choices and still obsess over present and past regrets.

But a new year is upon us and as always, I fall for the hype about clean slates and hoping for a fabulous year because I yearn for a year without struggle. I will wait for the great things the cliches tell us will happen and then I'll start working for them because I know you have to work for the good. Nothing ever just lands in my lap. I do this every year and every year the outcome is the same as the previous year. Nothing much changes. The year will end and I'll start over. Kind of a crappy cycle.

I still hope it'll change so that's something, right?

My New Year's wish for my friends is simple - I wish you all to be loved (romantic, friend or family) by someone and feel kindness. Actually loved with meaningful words and actions. Anyone can say they love a person but when that word is spoken with emptiness, it is very damaging. A simple act of love and kindness can mean the difference to someone who who does not feel this normally.

This I know.

Happy New Year's,
Dana :)