Clusterf*ck

I'm confused about so many things right now and I feel like I have a large clusterf*ck going on inside of me. I've always had confusion going on on my life but there were certain things that made sense and those things kept me from completely feeling lost. In the last month or so, even those few things aren't helping much. I'm so aimless right now.

I've blogged about my struggles with writing. I'm at the point where I'm making corrections on my current book I'm writing but I can't even get that done. I feel no desire to do anything when it comes to my writing. This is so sad for me; writing was one of only two things that made me happy but I'm filled with so much doubt and confusion that it seems like such a chore. Writing gave me a purpose but the doubt has extinguished that purpose. I feel so empty without my words.

Even my blog writing is suffering as it's taken two days for me to write this short entry. I doubt myself even in choosing subject matter because it's seems like the same few things I talk about over and over. I'm stuck in 'been there/done that' mode.

I'm really trying to eat healthy but I get so confused because I read about myths and misconceptions and eat this but not that or ingest warm water laced with something I can't even pronounce or run twelve miles while whistling "Fur Elise." Losing weight, in black and white, is easy - eat less, move more. But then there are so many conflicting beliefs about why we should lose weight. Is it to be healthy or is it to look physically ideal? On one hand people say it's not the outside that matters yet that's what is focused on. I feel defeated every day because I know I'll never be the toned individual but it seems like that's all that matters. I ask myself often "Why should I even try?" There's no guarantee that losing weight will make my life any better and although that shouldn't matter, with what I've been through, I feel like I need that guarantee. I've had so many disappointments that I often feel like one more will break me.

I want to be able to write again. I want the belief back that I can, eventually, be a full-time writer. I want to not obsess with eating. I want to not worry about getting the mail or a phone call. I want to stop feeling like such a lost little girl. I want to be a happy Daughtry fan. Actually, I really just want to be happy.

Dana