Stuck

This so wasn’t going to be the topic of this blog entry. Not at all. LOL But that happens. I start out wanting to talk about this and it ends up being about that. Not sure if that happens with other writers but it happens with me both in my blog writing and my fiction writing. Whenever I work on a fiction piece, I try to map out the whole story and do the whole note card thing but when my fingers start moving over the keyboard, my creative mind takes over and my plan goes by the wayside. Although my OCD likes a carefully thought out plan, when I write, my OCD loosens up which allows me to explore the story away from the plan. This is good. Sticking to the plan can be too limiting to my creativity and often, how I planned it wasn’t the best.  

The abandoned cards for Deceptions that are still on the wall of my study.

My sleep has been worse than usual the last few days and I’m pretty sure it’s tied with the difficulties I’m having with my writing. Since Wednesday, I have not been able to work on Deceptions, my current book. I’m nearly done with handwritten edits which for me happens towards the end of finishing a work. I get to the point where I can’t see typos or plot issues on the computer screen so I print off the book and go through it chapter by chapter. I see a lot doing this and wield my red pen mightily and often.

I worked through all but the last two chapters of Deceptions in a few short days and then came the difficulties and everything stopped. I know why this happened. The first reason is the doubt I’m having about my writing. I’ve written about the email that initiated my doubt and I started looking at the printed chapters and began wondering if I really could be a writer and if the whole story sucked. (Nice adjective, I know, but it works.)

I started writing Deceptions right after I wrote the initial scene to Sunset Park. As I began working on the story, I felt like it was just not a valid idea. No, that’s not right. It was a valid idea but it was just making me uncomfortable and I began thinking that I shouldn’t devote time to it so I focused on Sunset Park. Once that was done, I found myself returning to Deceptions. Even though I’m just not so sure of the idea, it was calling to me. I eventually got to the point where I fleshed out an actual story from the idea and I have been working on the book since. I’ve made big breakthroughs on it in the last few months. Even though I’m still not sure about it, I feel like I’ve but too much time into the book to just abandon it.

Deceptions is a complicated story, much more so than Sunset Park. I think of writing a book like solving a problem and I enjoy trying to make plot points and characters work logically within the storyline. Sunset Park is ultimately the simple story of two friends who still can love after their individual horrible experiences. Deceptions is a little like that, the two main characters are longtime friends and they go through a horrible experience together, but the whole storyline around them is complicated with detailed histories and such. It’s been a challenge to make it all work; I feel like I’ve stretched myself as a writer with Deceptions. It still makes me uncomfortable and I worry about what people will think should it ever see the light of day.

But the doubt is still there about my writing and if I really am any good at this. I look at the pages and get discouraged. What if it’s all been a waste?

The second reason why I’m stuck for the moment is because I get attached to my characters and don’t want the writing process to stop about them. This happened with Sunset Park also. I remember struggling with the same few pages and eventually coming to the realization that the book was done and I needed to stop writing. It was bittersweet. I was happy that I had finished but sad that I was done writing about Ben and Laurie (for the most part). When I create main characters, I have no choice but to completely get to know them from their good qualities and bad and what happened when they were five and what their true fear might be. I have to know them completely so I know how they will react to something happening in the plot.

Jack and Penny (not named after The Big Bang Theory character, there’s a reason why she has that name) are my current characters and I’ve put them through hell. I mean hell. The story is dark, much darker than Sunset Park, and a couple times I’ve cried with what I’ve had to do to them. One of Jack’s children dies (actually two) and when I wrote a very short scene with Penny interacting with one of the children a few months before their deaths, I was crying because I knew she’d be dead soon. I can’t even think about pancakes or strawberries without thinking of Izzy and getting all misty-eyed now. Here’s the scene:

            On the stairs three and a half weeks later, Izzy leaned against me and very delicately patted Little Sofie’s head.

            “Poor Lil,” she whispered. Lil was Izzy’s name for Little Sofie. She had a unique name for everyone. No one knew if it was just her being cute or part of her developmental issues. I was Nee-Nee, Jack was Poppy, Millie Sissy, Izzy’s twin was Two, Lennie Louie, Karie Artie, Leo Lo, Annie Ya-Ya, and Little Sofie was Lil. With some of the names Jack and I could figure out where she created them from but Alex and Lennie’s names were confusing. Jack and I and the kids all didn’t mind Izzy’s names and used them when we were referring to someone in speaking with her but Crystal hated it, probably because Izzy only referred to her as She. Izzy had never once called Crystal ‘mama’ in her fourteen years on this Earth.

            We sat for a few minutes more until Little Sofie woke up and Izzy gave her a kiss.

            “Izzy say good morning to Lil.”

            “Izzy, Izzy, Izzy,” Little Sofie repeated and smiled shyly.

            “Lil tummy sick?”

            “Tummy owie,” she replied. My stomach grumbled so loudly that both girls heard it and giggled.

            “Nee-Nee tummy talks,” Izzy said and poked at my stomach.

            “Yes, I’m hungry,” I confirmed. “How ‘bout you, Izzy? Is your tummy hungry or is your tummy owie?”

            “Hungry. Izzy tummy no owie.” Izzy, bless her beautiful heart, had been the only child who had not come down with the stomach flu. I had no idea why, I could barely keep up with the vomit germs, but that’s the way Izzy often was. Some ailment would hit every child but her while other times she would get terribly sick but not any of the other kids.

            “What would you like for breakfast?” I asked her. Izzy put her finger to her chin and lightly tapped it.

            “May Izzy have pans and bears?” Pancakes and strawberries. I closed my eyes and envisioned the fridge. I always had the ingredients on hand for pancakes but didn’t always have strawberries. Izzy, however, was in luck. When I foodshopped for New Year’s Eve, everyone was healthy and Crystal was supposed to be around so I had purchased strawberries and a bottle of champagne, per her order, for her and Jack to celebrate with. She promised to lock up the champagne in the safe in Jack’s closet. I complied and within an hour of getting home with fancy food stuffs for a family New Year’s Eve party, Karie had vomited and Crystal began planning a girl’s night out in the Big Apple.

There is a second scene with Izzy that implies the strong relationship the two have (Penny is Izzy and her siblings’ nanny) that makes me cry even more. Currently, it’s an orphaned scene that I had to remove in a previous edit but it will be back as soon as I figure out where it belongs. But, because I’m in a sharing mood, here’s the scene:

            “Poppy.” Poke. “Poppy.” Poke. “Poppy.” Poke. “Poppy.” With the next poke, Jack finally opened his eyes. He had been sound asleep when Izzy began her wake up routine. But it was his eldest daughter and he didn’t mind.

            “Good morning, beautiful,” he said with a smile and his heart warmed as he saw her blush. She held one of the kitchen towels, scrunched up, in her hands. She looked up at Jack with a worried look. “What is wrong, Izzy?”

            “Izzy find no Nee-Nee,” she said in a shaky voice and Jack sat up. “Izzy find this Nee-Nee.” She held out the towel. “Izzy find in eating room. Izzy show She.” She is what Izzy called her mother. “She said Poppy fix. She said Poppy fix Nee-Nee. She is mad.” Izzy looked down and Jack saw a tear roll down Izzy’s face. “She loud at Izzy.”

            “I am sorry that Mama raised her voice at you,” Jack said, holding his anger in check. He took the towel and opened it. Inside were Penny’s keys, her cell phone, and a Post-It note. On the note was a simple message from Penny – ‘I quit.’ Jack kept his worry, anger, and confusion from Izzy. He smiled at her warmly. “Thank you for bringing me these.”

            “Izzy want Nee-Nee. Poppy find Izzy. Poppy fix Izzy.”

            “Poppy will try, Izzy,” he said and gave her a hug.

            An hour later, the house was in chaos and it was not even seven in the morning and all the kids were awake despite how active they had been the day before. They wanted breakfast, Izzy was crying for Penny, and Crystal was trying to yell at Jack without actually yelling. Jack gave her credit for one thing and that was Crystal didn’t like to yell at him in front of the kids.

            “What the hell happened, Jack?” she demanded under her breath as she filled glasses with orange juice and Jack started scrambling a dozen eggs.

            “Nee-Nee,” Izzy whined and leaned against Jack. “Izzy need Nee-Nee.”

            “Izzy, have a seat at the table,” he said but she shook her head.

         “Answer my question, Jack,” Crystal said and held a glass of juice out to Izzy. She took it, turned away from Jack, and proceeded to dump it on the floor. “Izzy!” Crystal yelled and Izzy started crying.

            “Nee-Nee... Nee-Nee... Nee-Nee...,” she cried over and over and proceeded to sit down in the spilled orange juice. The rest of the kids laughed and Little Sofie started shaking her sippy cup of milk all around. This caused the milk-splattered kids to yell at her and she joined in the crying.

            “This is why we need Penny,” Crystal said through clenched teeth. “Fix this. Find Penny and get her back here so she can do her job.”

            “She needs help, Crystal,” he replied through his own clenched teeth. “I am worried about her health.”

            “So she’s fainted a couple times...”

I’m two chapters from being done with this major edit and even though I need to go back and make a multitude of changes and such, I’m stuck. I’m not ready to be done with these characters yet. I need to force myself to get this done because I’ve started sending out query letters and I need to be ready to send the completed manuscript if requested. Next weekend is a three day weekend and my goal is to be done DONE with the manuscript by the end of Sunday. Which means I need to get those two chapters done. Which means I really need to stop writing this blog right now. 

Dana