The Week That Was

It's been a bad week. I had a panic attack on Monday, one of the worst I've had, and I ended up leaving school after the first block. I went home and slept the rest of the day. I've been sleeping a lot this week and it's a struggle to make it through each school day. The fatigue I feel is immense and I should probably make an appointment at the Cancer Center to make sure I have not relapsed.

I doubt my leukemia is back even though I don't feel physically well. I think a little part of it is due to the long list of prescriptions I'm on for my various physical ailments and the drugs that are attempting to combat OCD, social anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I don't think some of them play well with each other.

But to be honest, I think my fatigue is due to the huge increase in my depression over the last couple weeks. If you've read my blog post 'Thing' then you know there's been something I've been holding out hope for but as each day passes, I realize that what I hope for is probably not going to happen.

I should learn to move on but I can't seem to; there's just something about this 'thing' that I feel could give me that little extra boost to lift me a tiny bit from this heaviness. I don't have much that gives me pleasure other than Daughtry and my writing but neither have helped me at all the last couple of weeks. The exciting possibility I had for my writing is gone and listening to Daughtry or visiting the Daughtryverse on Twitter is not helping at all.

In the moments when I focus on the 'thing', I wonder what I've done to keep it from happening. This is a thought pattern I've had for a very long time, even going back to the Bad Thing that happened to me as a child that set me on the path that has landed me alone in this gray world of mine. I get stuck in a loop of wondering what I did to deserve the Bad Thing or having my family abandon me or not see the 'thing' happen.

I don't think I'm a bad person but from what I mentioned above plus cancer and my broken foot and dozens of other things, I'm the only constant. I once blogged that my belief was that I wasn't meant to be born and all this bad stuff that has happened to me was my penance for walking the planet. My therapist is not happy I have this belief but the evidence, even something as little as the 'thing' not happening, is quite overwhelming in my mind.

Dana

ps. If I have done something to cause the 'thing' not to happen, I apologize for whatever I did.