I Really Am Human

I don’t have very many expectations in life. I’ve found it’s just easier to have none so the disappointments don’t hurt so much (but even with having no expectations, the disappointment still hurts a lot). The expectation that I have that is the biggest is that I am at least acknowledged as a person. Sadly, even though this is the biggest, it’s the one that is rarely fulfilled and brings me down the most.

Since October, I have been dealing with a broken foot and then at the beginning of February I broke the other one. I have the worst luck so the second break didn’t come as much of a shock. What did come as a shock, especially with the second break, is how little my own family cared. Not once did my own brother offer any help and when I had surgery this last Friday, he didn’t even inquire as to how it went or if I needed anything. He’s been like this for a while and although I tell myself not to get upset over it, it’s hard not to. He’s my only family; I have no one else.

Other people who knew I was having surgery Friday didn’t even check in with me either. When things like this happen, it makes me feel like I’m not even human. Like I don’t mean enough to them to send me a quick text or give me a quick call. I have felt this way for a very long time and I know the incident that started it all. I’m not going into detail because it’s still hard for me to talk about but when your innocence is taken from you, your feeling of being a human is taken also.

I think that’s why it’s hard for me to care about myself so often. Too many times I’m treated like a nothing or that I don’t matter. I even had someone hint that my having to have surgery on my second break was my fault. That one hurt a lot because it came from a close colleague who didn’t even inquire as to how my surgery went. After she texted me those words, I spent ten minutes crying in the parking lot of my orthopedic doctor. She is someone who has an endless supply of caring family and friends. I don’t. I had no choice but to drive myself around, buy my own groceries, and walk on the broken foot. I HAD NO CHOICE! No one understands that because so few people in the world understand the true meaning of being alone. The true meaning is not having friends or anyone in your life; it’s having those people in your life who in a time of crisis suddenly disappear. Their words of help have disintegrated.

Even in the cyber world I had very few inquiries. It’s easier for stuff like that to happen in the virtual world but it was still a little disappointing. What is worse, though, is when a reply is expected. It’s amazing in the online world how manners and proper etiquette are thrown out the door. Yes, I get celebrities are busy and can’t acknowledge every fan but even normal people don’t acknowledge a gift of a book from me or something I’ve written. I see other people acknowledged (even from said celebrities) but not me. It make me wonder why not me? I am a human and I have feelings but it’s like no one else sees that and because of that, I don’t feel like a human. I have issues anyway with how people see me and this does not help.

I have learned that my obesity is not just caused by my like of food; it’s because I’ve built a wall around myself as protection. I felt the need to be protected from the terrible incidents as a child and I continue the upkeep of that wall for continued protection from everyone else now. I don’t let many people in as I’ve learned that some people want in but not for anything good. I don’t want to be hurt anymore but I still am and still by my own family.

Dana

ps. If I hear one comment about how everyone’s busy, I will flip out. “I’m too busy” has become the easy way out. We are all busy but there’s always time for common courtesy if the person really wants to be courteous.