Status Check

The days lately have been their usual grayness. Even with the release of my second novel, there hasn’t been much happiness. I have too much worry about its reception or if it’ll be another disappointing experience like I had with Sunset Park. I worry that I won’t be able to get books two and three published for sure. And then there’s the worry about what I’ll write next. But mainly, it sucks when something big like a book is released and you have no one in your real life to celebrate with. I celebrated with a piece of Walmart cake. Go me.

Writing isn’t my only worry that’s contributing to the grayness. I had my 2^nd broken foot operated on two weeks ago so I have the pain of that plus the other foot – only 50% healed – hurts sometimes. I can’t wear my walking boots outside of the classroom because I have to be able to drive since I have no one who can play taxi for me every day. I don’t wear the boots at home because most of the time I’m just sitting on the couch. I hate the boots. They weigh me down both physically and mentally. They remind me of how I don’t have any help at the ready. And to this day, two weeks after surgery, my brother hasn’t even bothered to ask me how everything went. The boots remind me how alone I am in my real life.

Because I’ve been laid up with my stupid feet, I missed most of my therapy appointments in February. When I did go back last week, my depression actually worsened because I’d forgotten how miserable I was and therapy brought everything back up. I cancelled this week. I just didn’t want to fall even more.

Although I did move to first floor apartment, I’m still not 100% unpacked. I don’t have any motivation to get the rest of the place done.

Even Daughtryland has contributed to the gray. I’m not thrilled their co-touring – especially since I’ve never heard of the band their touring with – plus, as usual, there’s no concerts where I wouldn’t have to travel. And ticket packages are so much more expensive. So between location and money, there’s nothing to look forward to there. It sucks when the thing you turn to for mood lifting just brings the mood down more.

And the thing I can’t let go of has not happened. Although I admit now it probably never will, I just can’t let it go. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and I don’t know why I can’t let it go. It’s probably part of my self-sabotage that I’ve been stuck in. We talk about self-sabotage in therapy but never how to stop it and I wish I could. It certainly doesn’t help the grayness at all. 

Gray Dana