Damn Wind

I had a meltdown last night when I got home from Torah study. I haven’t had a meltdown for at least a week or so but yesterday sucked big time and it was a perfect mini-storm and boom – meltdown. A low pressure system was moving into the area bringing with it high winds. I’ve always been sensitive to changes in weather and my jaw ached all day. And I hate the wind. I thought another perk of moving down to the first floor (besides not having to walk up three flights of stairs on two broken feet) was that I wouldn’t hear the wind as much. Wrong! Instead of the wind, I hear the wind AND the building creaking in the wind.

But for most of the day, I was inside and the wind didn’t get to me until later. I left to go to Torah study a little after seven and honestly, I don’t know what happened. When I parked in my little garage, I drove in straight but when I back out – CRUNCH! I took off the passenger’s side window. I was mortified and as with anything that goes wrong, I panicked and didn’t know what to do. So, I just continued on to the Bee’s to study. (It’ll be a while before I can get the mirror fixed which I’m worried about so today I wrapped two plastic bags around the remains and taped that sucker tight. Ghetto fab.)

Anyway, I go to the Bee’s who have become my pseudo-parents. I’ve known them for thirty years; they were my first Jewish family I met. Mr. Bee has offered up his vast knowledge of Judaism whenever I have questions. Even though I studied for my conversion, there is still a lot I don’t know. (Noah wasn’t Jewish???) First, though, I had to go over some writing stuff with Mrs. Bee. Then I talked with Mr. Bee about women’s roles in Judaism and how the Torah gets embellished by Hollywood (example: Noah). Mr. Bee is also helping me get on track with something else and after we were done with the Torah, I got a lecture. Tough love. I took it; nothing he said was new to me but when coupled with damaging my car and then trying to fall asleep with 50mph wind gusts, I cracked and started crying.

For the last few nights, I’ve been going to bed super early. We’re taking six or six-thirty. My depression has me tired and I just want to sleep anymore. But last night I didn’t get home until almost ten and I went straight to bed but the wind, THE WIND, was just too much and I kept thinking back to Mr. Bee’s lecture and I’ve been feeling a rise in all the issues I have and it was meltdown time. I wasn’t even close to being tired so I got back up and watched the finale of Worst Cooks in America.

It’s times like last night where it sucks being alone. I really needed someone to tell me that the wind will die down, that Mr. Bee only lectured you because he wants to help you, and, well, shit happens sometimes with your car. But I don’t have anyone and frankly, my cats suck at soothing me. I went back to bed about midnight but the next five hours were terrible sleep-wise. THE WIND! Oh, how it blew!

Tonight, thankfully, there is no wind and I am already in bed writing this. I made it to seven o’clock so that’s a little progress but if I don’t sleep well tonight, I’m going to be a bear tomorrow. I like my sleep and not just because of my depression. I have incredibly real dreams and they often help me with my writing. I finished the rewrite of Closure (the third book in the Deceptions series) today but I’m just not sure if how I treated one of the main characters was right. I want to have a good sleep on the problem tonight so that I can fix it if that needs to be done.

I’m really thankful that my depression has stayed away from my writing, for the most part. I’ve had a couple days (like this weekend) where I couldn’t get anything done but that allowed me to finally unpack the last few bins from my move. Writing is my savior and if I ever lose the ability to write, that would just kill me.

Shit Happens

Stylin'

Dana