It's Organic

Went to therapy for the first time in about a month or so. There was that gap due to my broken feet and scheduling problems with my therapist. Being a teacher you don’t have the luxury of just going anytime during the day so I had to wait until the next after school appointment came up. Ironically, it was during spring break when I could have gone anytime. Anyway, I went. It sucked.

The last time I went sucked also. Again, it was after I broke my right foot and had surgery and during that time, I was more worried about the foot than my mental health so I had pushed back the depression thoughts into the back of my mind. When I went back to therapy, everything came back and my depression level increased.

This week, I had a complete meltdown on Tuesday as I felt the heaviness descend upon me throughout the day. It was a messy meltdown so I was kind of looking forward to therapy and hoping that my depression would lighten after fifty minutes of talking. Well, it didn’t. In fact, it got worse and the reason why is that my therapist says that my depression is very organic. It is such because I’ve had depression for most of my life and the depression has come from various life events that are a part of me. I can’t disassociate from those events – they are forever in my memory – and so instead of my depression being more chemical, it’s organic.

And when it’s organic, it will never go away. Let me repeat that. According to my therapist, my depression is organic and that it will never go away. It will always be there.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I had hopes of one day being all better but now, all I’ll have are at best, receding depression. It won’t go away, might just lessen, but it will always be there. It will go up and down and that is not exactly something I can control. I’m not even sure the stupid meds I’m taking will help. I’ve felt for the last couple weeks they haven’t been helping but maybe they wouldn’t help me with this stupid organic depression. It would make sense since I’ve tried umpteen combinations and haven’t found the right one yet and we’ve been at this for year.

It was so disappointing to learn of organic depression. I just wanted to get better and now that’s not even a possibility. I can only be less depressed or more depressed. There won’t ever be no depression for me. I’m not even sure if I’ll continue with therapy now; I feel it’s a waste of money now. The same goes for meds (although I am deeply in love with my sleeping pill and clonazepam).  

If I had regular depression with a chance of getting rid of it, that made being alone a little better. If I have no depression, I wouldn’t need to rely on anyone for mood lifts which is good because I don’t really have but maybe one or two people who check in on me. With this stupid organic depression, it’s always going to be there. It doesn’t allow me to lift myself up so that would fall on other people which I don’t exactly have many of at all. My family no longer acknowledges me and I, because of the depression, don’t want to force people into interacting with me just to make myself feel better. I would never want to put anyone out just because my depression is pressing down hard on me.

So it hasn’t been exactly the best of spring breaks. I’ve been sick (and still am) with an ear and sinus infection and then I found out my depression will never go away.

So disappointed and sad.

Dana :(