Self-Sabotaging

One of the problems I have is self-sabotaging. I’ve talked to my therapist about this but we’ve never come to the point of deciding how I stop doing this. Each day I seem to self-sabotage and even though I know I’m doing it, I just can’t seem to stop it. This does not help my depression and contributes to my grayness. Most of the time, it’s just small things but the gray from lots of small things builds up and weighs me down. I self-sabotaged myself today and the gray is really thickening up.

At first, it didn’t appear that what I was doing was self-sabotaging; I actually thought I was doing something good for myself. Yesterday, I became a 4 time published author which includes a very detailed and vast trilogy. I tweeted about it and posted about it on FB. I felt a little bit of pride in myself which I haven’t felt for a long time. I wanted to treat myself last night to some Panera bread and my favorite soup (at a different store) but the store didn’t have any soup so I decided to treat myself to Jimmy Johns for lunch. I’m trying my best to be financially smart (usually one area I self-sabotage) but the topic of being nice to myself has come up in therapy so I thought this was the right thing to do.

I ordered and it came to school and I was sitting in my PLC with my fellow reading teachers. I had said that my JJ lunch was a treat to celebrate my publishing accomplishments. As soon as I said that, the stupid voice inside of me – my own strashnyi golos – started talking.

You have no one to throw you a celebration. You have to recognize yourself. Your own family doesn’t even care. You’re alone. 42 and nothing real to show for it. You live in an untidy apartment and talk to your cats. You are pathetic.

And down my mood went further.  

The strashnyi golos wasn’t wrong and it’s my fault for listening to it but when I’m gray, it’s hard not to listen. In my Deceptions trilogy, Penny has her best friend Jack to help her through the strashnyi golos moments. I have no one. Once again, I’m hating the events I’ve experienced that has left me in this gray place in the world. I never want to be a burden to anyone so it’s a rarity if I offer up my sadness. I keep a lot inside save for this blog which

I’m not sure is of any help.