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I should be on cloud nine. My favorite band – the band that gets me through my gray days – is finally, FINALLY, coming to my city. It’s on a perfect day and for right now, it looks like the last show of that particular leg. I mean, DAUGHTRY IS COMING TO MY CITY! I should be beyond ecstatic and yet I sit here crying. Not happy tears as I should be crying but they’re sad tears and I have my depression to thank for that.

One of the side effects of depression is that it robs happiness. Things that usually bring you joy are held captive by the depression. I don’t think many people realize that and so I’m afraid people think I’m not grateful for this concert date. I am very grateful; don’t get me wrong. It’s just that my depression highlights the challenges instead of just letting me enjoy the fact that I get to see my favorite band on my home turf.

That’s the way the days are; it’s a battle between gray and color. I should be seeing color now and not the gray but my depression has worsened in the last week. For the first time ever, I spent an entire day in bed and slept for most of the day. I didn’t like that because it’s a sign that my issues, especially my depression, is getting worse. I don’t want to get worse; I want to get better.

I know it’s a difficult thing to understand but I can’t just turn off the depression. Like I said, it’s a battle; sometimes it’s not up to myself. I want to get better; I want to be happy but it just doesn’t turn off or on. If it did, there’d be a whole lot less depressed people in the world. I’m on meds; I go to therapy. I am trying. I wish I could dig my heels in and slow this fall down so I can climb back up but it’s not so easy and it’s not so easy when you’re alone also.

I’m trying. I really am. But, I’m also sorry. I’m sorry I’m too weak right now to be excited. I’m sorry if it looks like I’m being ungrateful. I’m not; I’m really not. I just wish people understood.

Dana