"Witness" Applied

Sometimes, a song just hits a person to the point of wondering if the songwriter or writers have crawled into a person’s head and know his or her trials and tribulations. On Baptized, Daughtry’s excellent 4^th album, there is a song that could almost be my current theme song. The song is titled “Witness” and I relate to most of the song and it does make me wonder if at some point, the songwriters used their superpowers to visit my mind. It’s a catchy tune so that always helps but it’s the lyrics that make the hair on the back of my neck stand up because they are so accurate to what I’m living through right now. I feel so strongly about the song that I felt the need to write about it.

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Yes, I am. I’m tired of the depression I’ve dealt with my whole life but especially these last four years. It’s a never ending struggle and I’ve recently been told by my therapist that my depression is organic (based on experiences I’ve lived through) and will probably never be rid of it. I will have peaks and valleys (I’ve been trolling the valley for a long time now) but it will never disappear. This was not something I needed to hear and has not helped me at all.

Hollowed out…

I do feel hollow; it’s hard for me to feel sometimes. I experience so few emotions beyond those associated with depression. Happiness, joy, excitement… That’s what I want to feel but the depression put up such a thick barrier that it is hard for those emotions to come through. Daughtry is coming to my hometown (finally!) but I’ve had to work hard at being excited about it. Even though I’ve recently just had three more books published, it’s almost like I’ve had to force myself to be happy about it. The emotions just do not come naturally. The only emotion that comes easily is sadness.

… and feeling uninspired

If I’m not teaching, I’m writing and there are times when I can’t even do that which for me is terrible. Writing is what keeps my head above the gray waters. Writing allows me to get lost in a world that is not mine. I can forget my troubles while I write but sometimes, the depression has too great ahold of me. It keeps me from writing; it keeps me from doing basic things like dishes or vacuuming. Depression sucks all desire. Sometimes all it allows me to do is sit on my couch and stare with my thoughts focused only on the ‘what if.’

The question I keep asking you is what

Will it take to ease your worried mind

Your worried mind

This is a golden question and quite personal so I am choosing not to share. What I want is something I don’t think is attainable which doesn’t help me at all.

Now you’re letting your confusion take control

And leading it down a dark and lonely road

Absolutely. I’m letting the depression drive me because I feel too weak to stop this terrible train. There’s also so many unknowns that I’ve self-sabotaged myself. I know thinking differently should help but there’s the key word – should. I thought I would be cured of my depression but now I’ve been told to never expect to be cured. I’m the type of person who needs concrete outcomes. “If I make this change, then everything with be better.” I don’t handle disappointments well anymore and although I understand the concept of not knowing until I try, I just really, really need something to actually pan out for sure.

Even that won’t last forever

Just look around and see you’re not alone

You’re not alone

This is a tricky one. I don’t have a lot of people in my support system. I have, perhaps, maybe two and even then I’m guilty of keeping a lot of the crap I’m going through to myself because I don’t want to burden anyone. People have their own lives and their own troubles and I just don’t feel it’s right for me to add anymore burdens to them. This is sad to say, but I think I will probably die alone. I have an older brother but for whatever reason, he rarely communicates with me and often ignores my attempts. He’s the only family I have – lives less than five minutes from me – but there is no relationship there. It’s almost like once he received his part of my mother’s estate (I was the executor), he no longer needed me. I’ve accepted that but it still saddens me.

If you can’t find love but you’re still not giving up (Can I get a witness?)

If you’re down and out but you still wanna live it up (Can I get a witness?)

I haven’t given up and although I don’t want to be whooping it up (I’m just not that way even when my depression was much less), I wouldn’t mind at least living. Going out to dinner, having more friends, going on a vacation somewhere. Just living.

And if the weight of the world is on you now

Yes, the weight of the world – my world – is on me. I’m alone and don’t have anyone I can go to should something major happen. I’ve had three surgeries in the last two years in addition to being a cancer survivor. In all those experiences, I’ve seen how little support – financial, basics, emotional – I really have. I’m constantly worrying about my leukemia returning or getting into some accident that would leave me homebound and unable to work for an extended period of time. With my last surgery – to insert a screw in my foot – I went back to work two days later because I had no more sick days and could not afford to take anymore deduct days. When I had my spine fused almost two years ago, I started the school year on time but I would suggest people not do that.

But you know you can turn it all around again

Despite my negativity, there is a small, tiny, microscopic part of me that wants to halt this fall I’m on and feel I could do that but just am not sure how. I don’t feel strong enough to put myself on that path. The path is scary when you’re alone.

Does it feel like you’re just wasting time

Here without a reason or a rhyme

Yes, I feel like I am just wasting time. I don’t know why I am here on this earth, honestly. I don’t know what my purpose is. Yes, I’m a teacher and that’s an honorable profession but is it what I was meant to be? I love teaching and like to work with the teens but is that my purpose? I’m also a writer and my ultimate writing goal is to be able to write full-time and pay my expenses. Is that my purpose? Am I to be a storyteller? I have no idea.

The answer you’ve been looking for is

Standing right before your weary eyes

Your weary eyes

This, I’m sure, means standing before a mirror and I’m the answer to my problems. Like I said, I just don’t know if I can do this by myself and would it even work? It would be disappointing if I went through the rigmarole and ended up in no better position than I’m in now. I’m not so good at taking chances and hoping things turn out.  

Can I get a witness?

This is a phrase used often in the song and this is my take on it. I think we all want a witness; we all need someone whom we matter to. Not just the occasional friend or acquaintance but someone who really cares about our well-being. These witnesses validate a person’s life. Many people have these witnesses in best friends or spouses but I don’t. I have no witness. Even with being a teacher and a published author, I feel my life has no validation.

I need a witness.

Dana

(According to SoundHound, “Witness” is written by Chris Daughtry, John Lardieri, Claude Kelly, Elvio Fernandes)