Nuisance

A nuisance. That’s what I feel like I am to people after a couple incidences over the last few of months. First, obviously, was the incident where someone I thought was a Twitter/Facebook friend called me toxic because of my depression. I’ve written a few blogs about the incident and there are days where it still hurts. It’s also a little unbelievable that someone could be so un-sympathetic, especially when this person wants to come across as loving.

Then this week, one of my coworkers made me feel like I had been a nuisance. It felt like she was making excuses not to have me around and I’m very sensitive to that. She explained what had happened and it wasn’t intentional but it still hurt because this isn’t the first time I’ve had that feeling from her.

Today, for the first time since the beginning of February, I actually saw my brother and his family. I was walking out of Walmart while they were walking in. They gave me about a minute of their time and didn’t even ask me how I was doing. It felt like they couldn’t be bothered to talk to me. Thus, I must be a nuisance.

I have had that feeling many times over my life but it wasn’t until this week that I put a name to the feeling. I don’t mean to be a nuisance and it’s gotten to the point where I hold myself back so that I don’t irritate anyone. I think hard before I even send text messages because I’m afraid my text is coming at a bad time for whomever I may have texted. A lot of times, it just feels like people just don’t want to be around me or do anything with me and I can only assume it’s because they don’t want to deal with me and my depression and anxiety. I feel like I’m a nuisance because of those two things.

It makes me wonder if I’m just meant to be alone since I am such a nuisance.

Dana