50 Days

It’s been fifty days since I was very hurt by someone. I know there are people out there that can’t believe I’m still going on about this or that I shouldn’t be bothered by someone who did what they did. I can’t help it; the incident really hurt my heart and soul and I will try to explain why.

Think back to a time when you were hurt by someone. I mean really hurt where you did nothing for at least a half an hour (or more) and cried. What did that feel like? Do you have that memory? Good. Now take that pain and amplify it by about six or seven, maybe even ten. That is what emotional pain feels like to the depressed person (at least for me). My depression and OCD does not allow me to just ‘get over things.’ Instead, the negative thoughts about my self-worth increase and repeat over and over. I know something is wrong with me and I’m trying to get better but when someone says they can no longer be an acquaintance because I am toxic, well, that does not help the situation. Calling a depressed person toxic is one of the worst things you could say to them.

I’ve been crying since last night because something reminded me of what happened. All those negative thoughts, all those feelings of no self-worth have been zooming about my head. I believe I’m a terrible person because one person on social media feels I am just all gloom. The gloom comes and goes; it’s never constant. Every tweet of mine wasn’t a ‘woe is me’ tweet but that’s not how the person saw it. I was told I showed no love but for a person like me who has rarely ever been shown love, it’s hard for me to do that.

I didn’t support enough, I was told, but where was my support? How many times did the person visit my author webpage and read my short stories? Did the person purchase one of my books and read it like they said they would?

I take my friendships and even acquaintances seriously. I don’t have much going for myself but I always thought I treated other people in a good way or at least tried. I would never hurt someone on purpose. I felt that this was about the only positive thing I had going for me and this incident has rattled that belief. I feel rotten about myself now and wonder if all the ills I’ve had to go through are because I’m such a toxic person. Is that why I got cancer? My oncologist said it was genetic but maybe it’s because I’m an awful person.

I was only one individual in that person’s life and to single me out like that just really hurt. The person has so much going for her, lots of friends and a great family, and I can’t imagine that I would make such an impact that she would just throw me away like that without any warning.

I’m sorry I just can’t get over this quickly. Eventually, I probably will but it will take time and many more tears.

Dana