Knowing and Doing

Today is not a good day. I’m not having good thoughts about myself today and I’m repeatedly hitting my wrist on my desk. I don’t know why; it’s my OCD. It’s also something new that I no doubt will be discussed in therapy next week. Self-injury – not a good thing and it makes me worried that I’m getting worse instead as better.

I hate when I have days like this. It just makes me so unsure of everything. And it’s hard when I don’t have someone to tell me that things are going to be alright. I think that’s what I miss the most about not having a man in my life. I don’t know; maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic.

All I do know is right now I just want to go home but I have to stick it out until 3:15. But what’s at home? Just my cats and my bed.

I really should be happier right now since I finished my sixth book and look forward to trying to edit it to perfection and get it published. But happiness is not in me and what is always so maddening, is that I KNOW I should be happy but I just don’t feel it. I hate being self-aware. It’s the most annoying thing about what I’m going through. I KNOW BUT I CAN’T DO.

What will make me do? That’s what we’re working on in therapy along with self-sabotaging. I self-sabotage every aspect of my life except when it comes to my writing and my teaching. We figured it was because I love to write and I’ve always loved school. Yeah for those two things but I need to know how to stop self-sabotaging myself. I need to know how to DO.

I’m so down and frustrated and don’t know what to do.:(

Dana