Just One More Thing

I knew there was one more thing I wanted to talk about (bad ECT memory). In therapy on Tuesday, I realized that I’m living in survival mode. I’m just trying to get from one day to the next in as close to one piece as I can. That’s why my clothes never get folded when I wash them and I only use paper plates and plastic silverware. Some people don’t realize how much energy it takes just to daily live. When you have my level of depression/anxiety/OCD, that basic level is too much.

I look around my apartment and see how much it needs to be cleaned but just the thought zaps any energy I have. I’m ashamed I can’t do just the basics; it makes me cry. The fact that I can’t keep even a small apartment clean makes me feel ashamed and that does nothing for my depression. There’s just so many things that compromise my depression and that’s why I’m in survival mode.

My therapist says it’s a good thing that I’ve acknowledged that I’m in this mode. I’m not sure how. All I know is that it makes me want to cry a lot.

Dana