My mood has dropped over the last few days. A very deep
heaviness has settled within me. I can’t point to one thing that has caused the
increase in my depression and that is often the case. But once the downfall
begins, all the things that drag me down multiply to the point where it’s very
hard to fight them. They act like weights to the depression, like a parachute
being dragged down. All my mind can think of is where I’m failing in life. I
have no personal life, my weight is ballooning, my finances are destroyed because
of my ECT treatments (I am so not worth the amount it cost), and I look around
my apartment and just see a mess.
And the loneliness just makes everything worse. I don’t
think people understand just how awful it is to have no one in your life to do
something as simple as ask what’s wrong. I feel so invisible in life and that
just hurts so much.
The depression is just so heavy and I’m constantly on the
verge of tears. It’s exhausting trying to keep myself together around others. I’ve
cried so much the last few days it’s not even funny. It’s tiring; I’m tired. I
haven’t been this bad in so long.
Dana
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