Being Depressed

There are many misconceptions about depression and that’s why I’ve written my blog to help people better understand the condition. Some people think depression means a person is just sad or has the “blues” but it is more than that. It’s complicated and most depressed people are unique; no two are alike. I guess you could say we’re like snowflakes. And yes, we often melt. We often get snowed under by a blizzard. Many of us are waiting for our springs to bloom.

A huge misconception is that we the depressed just need to snap out of it. That it’s just a matter of changing one’s attitude. It’s not that easy. Depression drills into a person deep and holds on, depleting the person of happiness and joy. It keeps us from changing that attitude. I may wake up and say “Today is going to be full of unicorns, rainbow, and kitties” but the depression that lurks within steals those happy thoughts. It weakens a person to where there’s no fighting the larceny going on. I am too weak to fight back.

It’s tiring being depressed. My average bedtime is 7pm and I sleep solid – with the exception of a bathroom break – until 6am. That is if I’m not awake battling panic attacks. But let’s save that for another post. Sleep is an escape for me. When I’m slumbering, I’m not remembering the funk I’m in and I’m in dreamland where things are better for me. There is no depression in my dreams; I’m free of the gray and heaviness. But then I wake up and the gray is back as is the heaviness.

I don’t have much of a life outside of sleep, work, and writing (when I can write) due to my social anxiety but I still withdraw when the depression and sadness is great. What could I possibly withdraw from since I have no life? Well, because of my social anxiety, I’m a big social media person. I love Twitter but when I’m very depressed, I don’t post. I don’t not read the tweets – I always make sure to do that – but posting or commenting rarely happens. This is a double-edged sword, however. I want people to question my absence because it makes me feel wanted, that I’m not forgotten. Depression has me believing that my friends don’t want to deal with me because of the depression. And I’m not being paranoid about that as I have lost a friend for that exact reason. The other side of that sword is that some people do take social media breaks so when I’m silent, that’s what people choose to believe and rarely check in with me. (When that does happen, I appreciate it a lot!)

This feeling that people steer clear of me because of my depression really bothers me. I know some people may not know what to say to someone like me but to be honest, don’t not say anything to me. Even if it’s a simple “What’s up?,” that can help so much and make me feel like a human being (because depression often makes me feel like I’m not a human). It may sound like I’m just begging for attention but I’m not. I’m really not. I just want to know that people still care about me. Of course, I have gotten the excuse that people are too busy in their lives but are they really too busy to just quick check to make sure I’m okay? Maybe they’re afraid of getting into a long conversation with me but if you’re honest with me that you’re just making sure I’m okay, I’m probably not going to start a discourse on some irrelevant topic (I’m aware people have lives). Technology makes it so much easier to check on our fellow man now with a quick text message or tweet. Is thirty seconds too much to ask for? Sadly, with some people like my family, it is.

So in conclusion, I can’t just snap out of my depression. As some people suggest, I can’t see the beauty around me or acknowledge wonders. Depression keeps me from doing that. Depression is so complicated and even when I write about it, I get confused sometimes because I want to be succinct in what I’m saying. I want to be relieved of my depression. I want to be able to have tweet conversations about new Daughtry music and the like but when it feels as if I’m being ignored, I withdraw. Who would want to take the time to talk to a depressed person?

Dana