Making It to Work

I made it to work today. This may not seem like a big deal to most people for me, it was. Last week was not a good week for me. Of the three work days we had (the other two days were snow days due to a blizzard), I only made it to work on Monday. Panic attacks kept me from going to work on Thursday and Friday. I don’t know why this is happening this school year as school has always been a safe zone for me but at least once or twice a month this year, I’ve had to take off.

The panic attacks have become worse than ever. They’ve gotten to the point where I become physically ill as happened Wednesday night. I knew I wouldn’t make it to work Thursday but had every intention of going Friday but I woke up in the middle of the night panicking.

I felt so disappointed in myself. One thing I had going for myself is that my depression, anxiety, and panic attacks had stayed away from school. It’s my livelihood. I don’t teach; I don’t get paid and there’s no one to help me out financially. I had sick days but most of them were used up for my gallbladder surgery in October. It’s scary now when I’m too panicked because it costs me now. But that really is beside the point. What is more important is trying to get a handle around these panic attacks so they don’t keep me from my work.

I also feel that I’m being judged by some of the few people who know my “secret.” This is what hurts the most. I’m not just playing hooky when I have these panic attacks. I want to go to work but the thought just sends me into a panic and as of lately, makes me physically ill. I don’t think some of them understand the gravity of the situation and aren’t discrete for my sake. For example, when I have to stay home, I have two to three people I email my lesson plans to and they set them on my desk. I feel obligated to explain why I’m not there; I trust these people not to spread my business. But on Friday, one of the individuals printed out my email as is without removing the personal information as to what was going on so my substitute or any curious student could read about what was going on. I felt a little bit betrayed.

I feel like I need to say something to this individual but my fear is that she’ll retort with a “Well, maybe you should have shown up to work then.” She’s a close coworker but very intense. She knows of my problems but I don’t know if she truly understands them. I’ve tried to explain several times but I don’t know if my words made it through her intensity. She scares me a little.

But that’s just a small issue I have to deal with and I have to gain control of myself for the sake of my job. When I’m panicking, I’m not in control and I definitely will be bringing up this problem with my therapist. I’m hoping she’ll have some insight into what is going on and what I can do to handle the problems.

Panic attacks suck.

Dana