I HATE CANCER

I HATE CANCER! I said those words today for the first time in a text to an old friend. It’s been 29 months since my leukemia diagnosis, 27 months since my first bone marrow biopsy that showed I was in remission, and today was the very first time I ever expressed my anger at cancer. It has left me feeling…relieved!

The anxiety I was having for my monthly CBC started bothering me last night as I was trying to fall asleep. It was the worst it’s ever been so this morning I called the Cancer Center and asked if I could move my blood test and nursing evaluation from this Monday to today. They were fine with that; however, I was left feeling very, very stupid. I couldn’t believe how much I was letting this blood test effect me but I know that should the leukemia reoccur, there’s a good chance it’ll be picked up first in a CBC. Each month the anxiety for this blood test has risen higher and higher. What if it comes back abnormal? What if the numbers are a little off from the previous month but not truly indicative of anything? I think of these questions over and over in my mind as I try to sleep the night before a test but this month, it was happening four days earlier than normal!

So the time came for me to go to the CC and I checked in and went to the lab. My oncology doctor also took over the maintenance of my Warfarin (a blood thinner) levels once I was diagnosed with leukemia so it was just natural to roll a PT/INR (the test for clotting) in with my monthly CBC since I have to have my Warfarin levels checked monthly. It took a while for the CC to get the two tests coordinated on the same day so I was always in the habit of checking with the phlebotomist that the PT/INR test was on the bill.

Today I went in and asked the same question – Is my pro-time down to be tested? – and his reply was…That’s the only test we have you down for.

WHAT!!! WHAT ABOUT MY CBC??? WHAT ABOUT MY MONTHLY SECURITY BLANKET???

To put it a little less “cappy,” I was floored. I told the phlebotomist that that had to be wrong and he humored me and took enough blood for both the CBC and the PT/INR. I was certain that this couldn’t be right. I had leukemia, I’m in remission, I haven’t hit my five years yet but…but…but… you’re not going to check monthly for it coming back anymore???

No, this couldn’t be right. I waited to be called back to see the nurse and explained the situation to her. She looked up at the orders my oncologist wrote after I saw her last month (oddly enough that appointment was on the 21st anniversary of my father’s death from cancer) and there in black and white it said that my next PT/INR was to be in a month but my next CBC wasn’t for another three months. I blinked. I stared. Can you check? Just to make sure? I said in a very small voice. As with the phlebotomist, I was humored. She dutifully wrote my information down on a posty-note and I was sent on my way.

I texted my friend from the car. I HATE CANCER! I was shaking, incredulous, worried. They didn’t do a CBC , I thought to myself nearly in tears. I drove home in a stupor and walked up to my 3rd floor apartment. I sat on the couch. And I felt…relieved. Utterly relieved.

For 29 months I had made this odd hematological odyssey from daily CBCs in the hospital, to weekly tests while taking chemo, and then to once-a-month testing. They were a security blanket. For over a year I had a once-a-month reassurance that my leukemia wasn’t back. It was a nice ego stroke to see the screen in the exam room and see that none of the important counts were flagged. I was in remission. I was good to go for another month. Now, I’m at every three months. I can try and stop worrying every month.

Where did my relief come from? I think the relief came from me realizing that I’m not doing myself any good by getting all worked up once a month over my blood test. I can’t stop the leukemia from coming back and maybe it’s time to let the chain go. Maybe it’s time to realize I am one of the lucky ones; I am still in remission and it’s time to just get on with my life. Yes, I am a cancer survivor. I do not want to be held hostage by it anymore. I need to teach myself that I am now free from thinking about the blood tests for three months and this is such a relief. Of course, I’m going to have anxiety the night before my blood test but I no longer need to have it affect me every month. This is hard for my head to get around but, and I know I’m not dropping a bombshell here, change is hard. It might take me the rest of the year to stop worrying every month. Will it always be in the back of my mind (the possibility of recurrence)? Of course it will but I can try and not let it take over my life so much.

So then why did I finally say that I hate cancer? I could deal with all the side effects, in time I have realized that those were nothing compared with the mental toll that a cancer diagnosis takes on a cancer patient. It really messes you up, as evidence of my anxiety over a blood test and some other issues I’ve been having that maybe one day I can write about here. The screwing with the mind is the worst part (other than death, obviously). But, from today on, I’m not going to let it control me anymore. Next CBC isn’t until August? Cool. I can deal with that. I’ll put it on my to-do list.

To-Do List for Start of 10-11 School Year
1.      Move my classroom from room 234 to room 150
2.      Set up my classroom library complete with rug and comfy bean bags
3.      Get blood test to be reassured that I’m still in remission
4.      Get on with my life for another three months