Motivation

As a teacher, I have the wonderful option to have summers off. If I wanted to, I could work but I’ve not had a totally “me” summer since I started teaching in 2007. With everything I’ve gone through since starting my second career as a teacher, I desperately needed a summer where I could just devote to “me.” In three school years, I have faced my own possible death twice (pulmonary embolism and leukemia), eighteen months of chemotherapy, my mother’s death, and the beginning of the second phase of my life. I needed a summer of decompressing without any added stress of a summer job. I’m not lazy, I’ll eventually begin working on plans for the upcoming school year, but for these first few weeks of summer vacation, my focus is on me. As I start this journey on my second phase of my life, there are things I know I need to change about both the outer and inner me. Those changes I need to make both derive from my soul and motivating the soul for needed change is the hardest motivation to muster.

Motivating myself to wash my supper dishes is easy, I don’t like the look of dirty dishes in the sink. Also, I have a cat that thinks dirty dishes are his snack and that creeps me out a bit. But finding motivation, and keeping that motivation harnessed, to make changes that go deep within me is very, very hard, especially when what needs changing is so deeply engrained after decades of building up. It’s a two-headed entity. On one side, is the desire for those results I am trying to achieve while on the other side, the ugly side, is the voice that says “What’s the point?  So you change, does that mean everything will be hunky-dory?” When I’m super motivated to eat better, workout, or not put myself down, I feel great and I see results and I’m happy but then that little voice rears up without warning and steals that motivation.

I don’t give up easily; I’m not ashamed to admit I’m stubborn (maybe even to a fault). If I rolled over at every challenge I faced in my 38 years I wouldn’t have 38 years under my belt. I take it a day at a time, even an hour at a time. Sometimes I fail but when I succeed, I am pleased and sometimes, even a little surprised at the success. I have to constantly to remind myself why I want, and need, to make these changes, and then hope for the best. Sometimes, that’s all you can do. I relish the wins when I have them, like fitting into a skirt I haven’t fit in for a few years or beating back that ugly monster, even for a few hours, that wants to tell me “What’s the point?” I won’t know if changing will bring me the ideal I have in my mind but I’ll never know if I don’t keep plodding on towards it.