Chirp

As I write this, I’m listening to the chirping of one of my smoke alarms. It really is just the epitome of what I’ve been going through. My landlady told me to take the battery out (I put a new one in when it first started) but even without a battery, it’s still chirping. Since it’s a Sunday, the maintenance man won’t come until morning. Thank goodness I still have earplugs I use at concerts. Even with the bedroom door closed, the chirp is still loud and annoying and even the cats are giving me weary looks. They don’t make earplugs for felines.

Anyway, I truly wonder how much more I can take before I fold and break. I now have two broken feet. I can’t drive, I am off work through March 6^th, and will run out of sick days before then. It seems when I manage to take one tiny step forward in making my life better, many things come tumbling down on me. I don’t need to be dragged down even more. It needs to stop. I just really need something good to happen but the more I want that, the less it seems it will happen.

My therapist was floored at my bad luck (breaking both feet exactly four months apart). I asked my therapist Friday why. WHY IS THIS ALWAYS HAPPENING TO ME? She couldn’t give me an answer and she didn’t like mine. I’ve blogged this before and I just can’t get it out of my head that this is the reason why I keep having bad things hitting me – I truly believe I was never supposed to be born but because I was (even though it wasn’t my choice), I have to pay some sort of penance to the universe. That penance is all the bad things that keep happening to me and the amount of ignoring I get from various people including my family. Again, I just need a little something to make another day in this hell worthwhile but my hope in that happening is growing less.

I hope people understand where I’m coming from. I’m a nice person; I do for others. Although some people think otherwise, I really do think positive most of the time but with the latest developments, it becomes harder and harder. My luck is not a state of mind. It seems that those who often say that, have never truly been through anything very challenging with their life and I pray that they never do. I don’t want even the clichéd worst enemies to go through what I do.