Toxic

toxic (adjective) – containing poisonous substances

I was described as toxic today and this drove me to tears. A lot of tears. I can’t even sleep until I get these next few sentences off my soul. To say I was upset would be an understatement. My head is pounding from all the crying I’ve done.

I’ve realized I am toxic but not to other people. Toxic means containing poisonous substances and I am very much full of a poisonous substance. It’s called severe depression. I have been honest in my struggle with depression along with my anxiety and OCD. The reason why is that mental illnesses receive such a bad rap and I want to show that there are people who are affected but still able to at least maintain a minimum of a life. Those with mental illness aren’t all crazy people talking to themselves or other stereotypes.

I am a teacher. I am an author. I am a cancer survivor and a suicide survivor. I am also depressed. I saw a quote today that read “Depression is a flaw in chemistry not character.” Unfortunately, there are people who hold my depression against me.

In my honesty in my blog, I’ve mentioned how I’ve lost friends and family due to my depression. It’s a terrible feeling and once again, it has happened. Someone actually refuses to be my friend because of my depression, because they feel I’m toxic.

Unbelievable, right?

Do you know how that makes a person feel? I felt like a nothing before so you can imagine how I feel now.

It’s a free country; people can follow and unfollow whoever they want but to call a depressed person toxic is awful in my eyes. If a person doesn’t like my blogs, don’t read them. If a person doesn’t like my tweets, skip them. Use a Twitter app where a person can mute a follower. Every tweet I write is not a woe-is-me tweet. I use my blog as a therapeutic tool. Social media is an important tool but to judge a person based on how much love a person shows a follower makes me wonder what insecurities a person has. If I judged my followers based on that, I would have maybe only ten or so followers.

It’s a rough end to the day; my soul has taken a hard hit.